A fear of the unknown.

Ever have that feeling of losing all sense? Everything going straight to insanity? It's a little disorientating, but non the less fascinating. All the time I search for something that could explain it. This overwhelming feeling of something looming in the distant future. And I think I know what it is, I think I have figured out where this nervous twitch stemed from. This fear of telling her that I am leaving. Of telling the woman who has raised me since conception, the woman who has always held a roof over my head. I fear the consequences of telling her that I am growing up, that I am my own person and I just can't stay here any longer. But these thoughts of abandoning my home are almost too much. They threaten to pull me to the edge of my strength and independence.

   I know that the only way I can truly grow up, is by leaving. By going out on my own and facing the world that has fallen so far. A world that has fallen to an age of destruction and ignorance. And though I will learn to be strong and learn to fight for what I want, I am still anxious. I still fear the unknown. And I always will.

Tongue-tied and full of fear

I seem at a loss for words. Tongue tied and confused, but never have I been more sure. I'm following you to a world I have never seen, a world where everything is upside down, and every word is spoken differently. I fear the sensation of being in such unfamiliar surroundings. And at the same time I can not wait. Can not wait to hear the lilting tones of another language, the colors of another culture. What I fear most is just how different I will be. I have grown use to blending in, don't get me wrong I also was my own person, but I knew how to hide. How is it that I am suppose to hide now? How am I suppose to sheild myself from everything that can hurt me, when all you do is pull me into the open. You are taking chances with me, risks. I am not a risk taker, I am careful, I am in control, and I am slowly losing it all.

I find though, that the feeling of falling isn't quite as frightening as I first thought it might be. If anything it is quite enjoyable. Don't get me wrong, I am still scared out of my skin, but I think I can take a chance. I think I can relinquish a bit of the leash that I have kept chained tightly around my life. I just hope that I won't lose all control. For if I did, I fear I would lose you too.

Crooked Smiles for Crooked Souls

We have been technologically updated, trading our old HP computer for a brand new LG, and I couldn't be happier. I do however; find that to be a little odd. Maybe it's because of the fact that talking to you has become so much easier. What makes it even more exciting and enthralling is the childish feeling I under-go every time your name pops up. I can feel my face flush, and my blood tingle.

Soon enough I will actually be able to see you. Actually have you infront of me, be able to see your smile. I am so very anxious. I have a crooked smile fitted between my ears, and it just doesn't seem to disappear. Though I am not one to complain.

Blurry Promises and Broken Pinkies

The days have begun to blur together. A single mess of sound and smell and sight, and it's completely overwhelming. It seems that I have a harder time controling myself, controlling everything within me that wants nothing more than to cause harm. It's an undeniable thurst for blood. And I can't seem to contain it anymore, I'm spinning out of control. If only there was something that could pull me back down to earth, something that could ground me. I am hoping it's him.

I hope with everything that this is the answer, that this will be different, that it won't kill me. I've built my walls up so high I don't know if I can bring them down again, but don't get me wrong, I wil try. I will try to be normal, try to be careless, try to be unafraid. It may take a while but I will get there, I will find a place that I am content with. In the past I use to expect the worse, expect that everything would end and it would break me. Not this time. This time I will be careful, but I will trust you. This time I will hope for the best, and not expect the end. This time will be different, I can promise that.

Red Alert : Drama in the middle of a disaster.

This world seems to be changing faster than it should. Slowly falling out of control and into chaos. And there is nothing we can do about it, if anything it seems that we are only helping it along. Guiding it on it's destructive path, then again though that is human nature. There is a little evil in everyone, most though, choose to be good. To find the little piece of reason within them and listen to it. Some days it's hard. Hard to be good, to help others, to be who everyone wants you to be. And at some point in everyone's life it will become too hard and they will lash out. They will let their fists fly and connect with whatever they can.

I feel so ready to fall. So ready to just let the darkness consume me and fall into it's steady embrace. Darkness is always solid, there is nothing debatable about it, where as good can be turned and twisted until it fits. It shouldn't be like that, then again I guess everything can't be completely black and white, there has to be a little color in the world. Otherwise it would be a very boring and mundane world. There would be no love, no life, no reason. It would be pointless to assume that everything can be changed just with one word, that everything can become better just because one person tries. It will take the world to change it, if the world is willing.

Lions and Tigers and Camping!

So it was exactly five months yesterday until my graduation. I am quite terrified, and at the same time thoroughly excited. The fact that I will have to be an actual adult in the next year is scary, all the bills and taxes and shopping. Though I must say buying my own groceries will be awesome, I can finally buy all the cereals that I love, and no one will touch my Kraft singles slices. I'm not the healthiest person out there, but I am trying to work on it. Next week, seeing as I have a spare block I will be heading to the local gym to tone.

My schedule will be changing greatly come this new semester. But I am very excited, everything will be a challenge, in a good way though. I'll be taking Biology, focusing on the Human body, and Math :( and also Outdoor E.d., which is a new class being offered. My biggest hope is that we will being doing a lot of field trips and camping expeditions. Wish me the best.

Mistaken consequences in your owner's manual

These days it seems that I open my mouth and all that comes out are mistakes. Nothing makes sense, nothing is right, and yet I can't stop talking. The hole that I'm digging myself into is getting steadily deeper, steadily darker and steadily colder. Mind you though I can handle the cold and I can bare the dark, but being so far beneath everything else is frightening. It makes me question whether or not I will ever find my way out. If I will ever be able to talk myself out of this, that's when the doubt sets in. That is the moment I realize that I may never find my way out of this, I might just be here forever.

Some days I wish that I could explain everything. That I could tell the world who I am, and that in return the world would accept me. It seems like too much to ask though, and I'm afraid to ask because of what may happen. What if it changes things I don't want it to, then again though isn't change suppose to be good. This seems like one type of change that wouldn't be good, this seems like something that would ruin not only me but those around me. Like something that would create more problems then it's worth. And at the same time I wish it wasn't so hard to figure people out. It would be so much nicer if every one came with an instruction manual, so that I didn't have to play it so carefully. It would be nice just to do something spontaneous and crazy, but I worry of the consequences, and just how bad they would be.