Madness of the heart

Wings beat against the rusting metal of these cage bars. A strangled cry escapes the thin beak of an even smaller bird. The finch pushes the air through it's lungs, fighting to regain control. It's clawed feet grip the side of the cage as it struggles madly, attempting to contort it's body in hopes of fitting through the brass bars. But all this effort seems hopeless. A futile attempt at freedom that is only draining energy. Non the less the finch renews its struggle against the imprisonment. An audible snap echos around the small room as she slams her small body against the confining walls. She screams in pain and falls limply to the ground, and as her eyes begin to close she watches as two thin hands reach into her jail and pull her out. As the last breath escapes her tiny body her pale eyes flicker to those of her keeper.

This is madness.

Romeo and Juliet

Romeo and Juliet.

The greatest love story in history, also one of the most tragic. It seems that more and more stories like this keep cropping up. Almost as if people find satisfaction in the twisted romance of helpless star crossed lovers. Wrong? A little. Hearts are fragile. They love too quickly and break too easily. They are willing to throw away everything just to find what they need so desperately. And though we could easily survive without love, it would be tedious. Spending every day alone, waiting. Waiting for that perfect man to show but knowing that, even when he does, you aren't going to take him. He is nothing but a distant prize, one that has little value.

  Maybe love is silly and frivolous, but it will always be a strong part of human society. Without there would be no generosity, no compassion for those who have less. There wouldn't be organization intent upon bettering the environment and people that surround us.

And I must say, even though I know how dangerous and painful love can be. It's worth it, because when you take that risk it can turn into something amazing. It can break you and it can build you up. It can hurt you and heal you. It can make you cry and it can make you smile when you know you are about to cry. It's odd and beautiful and completely unique. And it is well worth wasting time on.

Re-runs

Re-runs. That's what these memories feel like. Playing over and over again in my head, a constant hum of thought. A new angle every time, a new question, a new answer. Still though it seems like I have barely gotten anywhere. As if I have been climbing a mountain that never ends, I can rest but I won't ever reach the top. I will never understand what happened and I will always have my doubts. I will always wonder if there was something else that I could have done. Some way that I could have changed that moment, some way that I could have said everything that raced through my mind. Every thought that tangled with another and wrapped around the already tightly stretched nerves.

Every moment that I am not already doing something, all I do is go over everything that happened. Analyzing every detail, questioning every moment. Trying to find the place where I went wrong. Trying to find the moment that everything changed. Yet I can live with the fact that it has changed, I can wake up and know that I can make it through the day. And if I believed in God maybe I would pray that this would change, that this would all work out the way that I want it to. But I don't, I believe in fate and destiny, and I believe that everything that has happened, has happened for a reason. Though I may not yet know the reason, I accept that it will remain this way. And if it were to change, I would be happy. Finally.

In memory

I thought this would be easier by now. Not having you just paces from me, not being able to say good night and hear the lilting reply. I thought six months would help me grow, but it seems that it has only beat me down. I barely slept that night, not excited to wake up to open gifts, but instead because I dreaded knowing that you wouldn't be there in the morning. I knew that this was one holiday that would be greatly changed. One holiday that I was hoping would just end the minute it started. As I walked the dark halls I could almost hear your heavily accented voice, almost see your snow white halo of curly hair. If I closed my eyes I could just imagine the way you would smile when we opened the gifts you had set aside for us. I could see your rosy cheeks and the way you would light up as everyone thanked you.

 The world has beaten me, clawed at my skin, pulled me under the surface, and I don't know if I can keep fighting it. Everyday has been a challenge. Every smile, fake. Every laugh, hollow. Every 'I'm fine', forced. I knew it would be this way though. I knew that every moment spent without the person I loved most would be painful. Every night I say goodnight to you, every morning I say hello. Yet I will never know if they will reach you. Where ever it is you have gone. I will be there soon.

    In Loving Memory of Margaret Gaiesky

Christmas Friends

 My pale nose presses against the glass, my breath spreading and fading in rapid succession. The lights play against my hazel eyes, I blink away the spots. Fat flakes of white powder fall around me, catching in my dark hair, melting on the tip of my nose. It's finally time. Only two more sleeps, only one more day. I can't wait. I brush my bangs back from my face and pull my eyes away from the window display.

"Thank goodness we already bought our gifts!" She exhales loudly beside me and loops her slender arm through mine, "come on champ, let's get some hot cocoa."

I laugh and fall into stride beside her. It's just about Christmas and I have finally finished all my shopping, I figure that because I have a little time I might as well spend it with my best friend. We pace along the snow covered street until we come to a small cafe, "How about here?"

"Of course," She drawls in a heavily fake southern accent. She lets her features settle into a wide grin and throws the door open with a flourish. She grabs for my arm and pulls me in after her. We quickly find a seat in the back of the cafe and take off our snow covered coats. I pull out a chair and sit down, she quickly follows suit. We lapse into easy conversation and slowly down two hot cocoa's each. We sit there a little longer and then raise our slightly chilled bodies out of our seats and slip on our coats. She leads the way to the door and we exit one after the other. She stops just ahead of me outside the small cafe, "I guess I won't see you for a while."

"Yeah, but soon enough." I reply. I hug her to me and she hugs just as tightly back. A tear falls down my cheek as I think of how much I will miss her this year, "I love you."

"I love you too," she replies, squeezing my hand as she turns to leave," best friends?"

"Forever."

Music

They sing because they can. They sing because they love to. The words mean everything. And nothing. The words are simple, slow, naive. They are difficult, complex, human. Everything surrounds us, pounding against our ear drums. Creating a new image, playing with the words already in our minds. They confuse us, making us contemplate the lives we lead. Making us question the words we have spoken, the lyrics we have written. They follow us, covering us, lulling us into a world we were never meant to see. Pulling at us, dragging us below the surface, showing us a place we never could have found on our own. It is simply intrusion. We should not be here. This was never meant for us. This place. So peaceful, serene, the only words spoken are those of music. Music that would never harm, music that dances free and unencumbered. Unlike us. We walk this world, our shoulders bowed under the burdens we all carry. We are constantly faced with the choice between right and wrong, and very often that choice is blurred. We walk through the maze of life, taking wrong turns and finding dead ends, but eventually we get to the center. We come home because we follow the lyrics of our lives. We learn to read the music and understand the rhythm and rhyme needed to finish the song. We learn what instruments will sound best, and what notes will complete the composition. We are the composers of our own lives, of our own music. We are the ones who will create our own endless classics. First we must be willing to hear it.

Lunar Eclipse

As I sat outside, hands shoved deep in my pockets, I listened to the stark silence that surrounded me. My pale eyes flickered up to the iridescent body of the moon, watching as a thin red scarf wrapped itself around. A shiver ran up my spine as the silence was broken by the ear shattering howl of a lone wolf. Somewhere in the distance he also looked at the moon, seeing the eclipse, wondering what it meant. My mind wandered after him, crunching through the ice covered forest floor, weaving between the tall pine trees. The sound of the door opening behind me jerks me back to myself. I looked around slightly disoriented until my eyes came to rest on my dog. She looked back at me, her eyes wide, her mouth curling into a friendly smile. She trotted toward me and sat down, her small tail brushing the snow into tiny whirlwinds. And so we sat, nothing but silence between us, and we gazed at the lunar eclipse. Watching as the moon was engulfed and the stars shone ever brighter.

Love is

Love is,
Knowing that every Hello leads to something more,
Love is,
Knowing that no matter how bad the fight gets there is always forgivness,
Love is,
Knowing that no matter how difficult the times seem, you are always together,
Love is,
Knowing that no matter what words are yelled, they are silenced by two hearts,
Love is,
Knowing that no matter how much you say you hate each other, it's never really true,
Love is,
Knowing that no matter how far the distance between you, you are always right beside each other,
Love is,
Knowing that no matter how little you talk, the silence is loud,
Love is,
Knowing that no matter how embarrassed you are, you can still laugh,
Love is,
Knowing that no matter what your friends think, it only matters what you think,
Love is,
Knowing that no one is perfect,
Love is,
Kissing someone with morning breath,
Love is,
Knowing when someone is hurt before they do,
Love is,
Sweat pants and Saturday morning cartoons,
Love is,
Fighting for everything you believe in,
Love is,
Accepting everything about another,
Love is,
Knowing that no matter what obstacles you face you are ready to help each other over them,
Love is,
Knowing that every smiley face sent and received is a legitimate smile,
Love is,
Knowing that every heart sent on Valentines day is not just a cheesy gesture,
Love is,
Knowing that every tear is a reminder that you aren't invincible,
Love is,
Knowing that every boy is just a step on the way to finding a man,
Love is,
Knowing that every princess deserves a prince,
Love is,
Knowing that every morning is the beginning of a new adventure,
Love is,
Knowing that every night is only a pass over until the next day,
Love is,
Knowing that waking up alone won't be forever,
Love is,
Knowing that, even when your cooking is awful, he will still love it,
Love is,
Knowing that sometimes things don't need to be said,
Love is,
Knowing that every moment is special,
Love is,
Knowing that every kiss is an embrace,
Love is,
Knowing that every minute spent apart, is a minute closer to being together,
Love is,
Knowing that every Good-Bye leads to a Hello,
Love is,
Knowing when to let go.

Sleep World

Sleep.

Oh how it seems to evade me. Running away laughing just as my eyes begin to flutter shut. When my brain has almost shut down, I remember you. Remember one moment that I haven't already analyzed and picked apart. And it jerks me awake. Grabbing a hold of my slender arms and wrenching me out of the dream world. Mind you though I don't dream so much any more, they tend to just be nightmares. When I do dream, they are odd. Always images of you, and all of them. Fighting against me, fighting to bury me in the broken sand under our feet. I watch as their pale hands close around yours and they take you away. Leading you to the one place I know I will never get you back from.

  I try to follow. I try to push through the rough ferns and past the fallen trees. I can hear as my feet pound against the wet forest floor, but I never get any closer. The scene stretches out before me, pulling you further away. And then I come to it, the brink, the very edge of my dream world. You remain floating, out in the middle of no where, waiting for something. Something I have yet to understand. But you are there, unharmed and dazed. One day I will jump off the brink, and maybe I will catch myself, maybe I won't. I will try all the same.

You and My Walls

My hands push against walls. Walls that will always hold me, getting closer and closer, until I can't move. They surround me. White and abstract, playing ticks on my eyes. Fighting to be closer, to be the one who crushes the breathe from my lungs. All I can do is fight, and even though I know I will lose, I still fight. I push against these walls, my fingers splayed, white at the tips. I can't do this for much longer. I can't be the only one still fighting. I don't have the strength to save myself.

   When you tell me that this is all my fault, those walls inch closer. Looming over my frame, casting shadows that dance around my feet, threatening to pull them out from underneath me. You say that I am pathetic, that I need to settle down and concentrate. I am young, I need time to make mistakes, and after all, you are not that much older than I am. You are not yet an adult, though you seem to think you are. You seem to think that you can tell me what I am doing is wrong, when in fact you are doing something much worse. You still loved her, even though you said you loved me, and now you make it my fault. How in any way is that fair. At least I have been able to grow up and get over it. I don't hold anything against you, but I will not be the one to apologize. You are just as at fault as I am.

Here I am again, watching as the light fades and the darkness begins to close around me. The walls have come to a stop, if only for a while. But even they are willing to let me rest. You have left me alone through out these past months, and when I thought I needed you most you were never there. You were angry and upset, and you let that get in the way of taking the time to listen to me. To listen to what I have to say. Too little too late I guess. You are much worse than these walls. The walls that seek to end me, are willing to let me breath if not for a few hours. Maybe they enjoy this game. Enjoy the fear in my eyes, watching as I gasp for air. Maybe they are as sick and twisted as you. Maybe.

Frozen Bulletproof

Bulletproof.

I wish I could be bulletproof. Just let all these shots roll off me, listening as they drop to the floor in a metallic burst of sound. Imagine as they clink against the hard linoleum floor, the light catching their brass coats. I wish I could be bulletproof. Letting every fire coarse over my body, but never feeling the heat. Never accepting the shattering pain that will surely follow. I wish I could be bulletproof. Maybe I would last a little longer. Try a little harder. Fight a little more. Not be so willing to give up and surrender.

I do this for the ones I love. I run through the bullets because I could never bear to live without the people I know. Without my family I would be nothing. I would be utterly lost. Just an empty mind wandering through the ice encrusted branches. Watching as the stars fade and the morning sun begins to dazzle my pale eyes. Waiting for the chill of dawn to sink into my bones and hold me in a frozen embrace. Waiting to wake from this strange dream, but knowing that I never will. I am here, in this barren land, forever.

Running

I'm finally okay. I have reasoned it out with myself a thousand times, and I have come to the decision that I will be just fine. I can grow up, mature, and move on. That's what life is all about. Changing. We change everyday, it might be unnoticeable, but we do. We become adults, ready to take off and challenge the world. I think that's part of the reason I want to go so far away. I will have no chance of just running home, of being able to just turn around and come right back. I don't want that. I want to feel completely independent. On my own.

Maybe I am running. Running from all the things that have hurt me. But it's better to run and learn, than to stay and fall apart. I may be running, but I look at it as leaving. Leaving to grow. I need room to grow and I don't feel like I have that here. I feel trapped, weighed down by everything that fights against me. I will always come back though. I have roots here, family and friends that I could never leave. They have helped through life, helped me through tough times, as I have helped them. We all seem to have a mutual understanding, one that keeps us safe. And though someday we will all be far apart, we will always be in each others hearts.

For this world

Every day is a nightmare,
Every night a daydream.
I walk through this world,
Lost.

Every moment is a second lost,
I stumble through this world,
New.

Every breath is a new one,
I run through this world,
Ready.

Every time I say I'm ready,
I find out there is more.
Something I have yet to learn,
A challenge just waiting.

A fight that I must win,
A battle I must conquer.
And so I fight,
for every thing.

For the new,
and the old.
For the broken,
and the whole.
For the sad,
and the happy.
For the lost,
and the found.
For you,
and me.

Stains

I thought this would get easier. And then today showed up and I could barely function. I didn't know how to get out of bed and go some place I didn't already want to be. Maybe it will get easier, maybe this day will begin to mean nothing. How long that will take I cannot say, and if I am ready for it, I don't know. I don't know if I am ready to let go of something that changed me so completely. Something that changed the way I function. Something that made me want to be happy for myself, not just for others.

Whats the worst that I could say? What could I say that would change everything, would it be better if I stayed? If I remained here, surrounded by memories.

Every day I look in the mirror and find something I want to change. I find a flaw and try to fix it, it may take only a few seconds or it may take months, but I will fix it. I fight to destroy imperfections, because I know how everyone wants the perfect person. Is that so wrong? I feel better knowing that I may be making some one else happy. But every morning I find another stain that won't come off.

Numb

Numbness hidden within the heart,
leaves a cold and sullen mark.
Life without a life to find,
keeps you close to losing your mind.

Day in, day out, it stays the same,
losing your memories, forgetting your name.
A green leaf hangs, all holey,
like a caterpillar crawling, down and lowly.

If its body, you so touch,
fear in the darkness that seems too much.
The caterpillar crawls, on and on,
a numbing pain that's never gone.

One day maybe light will show,
and a stunning set of wings shall grow.
The darkness pushed into the light,
a butterfly with the gift of flight.

-M

My Mind

Clouded space of thought,
Always thinking, always humming,
Holder of every stained memory,
Wispy, stormy, fleeting,
Dreamer of many wonders.

They tell me you are safe and I
believe them, for I have seen your green,
green meadows under the golden sun, dancing
over the flowers.
And they tell me you are dangerous and I answer:
Yes, for I have seen the twisted and terrible storms brewing.
And they tell me you are mad and I
reply : Yes, because I have seen the split second
in which your smile turns to violent
tears.
And having answered so I turn to those who
scoff at my mind, and I scoff right back
at them and say:
Come and show me another mind that has created such flowing beauty through the
pain and through the strife.
Fighting through the raining torrents
to find the shining light that pulses
white against the darkness;

Fierce as a tiger launching at its prey, cunning
as a shark winding through the coral.
Strong,
Destructive,
Airy,
Lost,
Happy, sad, found, gone
Laughing even when the rolling thunder
threatens to break apart your world,
Bragging and laughing even when the cliffs
at the end of your vision crash and
fall into the waves below.
Laughing the strong, bubbly, livid laughter
of life, brave and unafraid, proud to be
strong, happy, lost, airy, found like a four
leaf clover in the meadow of the planet.

*This is a poem I found that I had to do in English last year, it was interesting, but difficult. It is based off a poem called 'Chicago' by Carl Sandburg.

Forever Young

I wish that I could stay young forever. I wish that I could dial the clock hands backwards and be five again. Everything was so easy then. I wasn't the one who had to fight to be heard. I didn't have to look so hard just to see who a person is. Everything seemed to make more sense when I was young. Maybe because I lived in a world all my own. A place where nothing went wrong, there was no heartbreak, no body issues. There were toys, and friends, and play dough. My tiny hands use to mold that into the most amazing shapes. Dinosaurs and galaxies seemed within my reach, all I had to do was stretch my fingers, and they would be there. Clutched in the grasp of my innocence.

Now I fight to protect that innocence. Fight to protect the child inside me. Fight to be free and heard and loved and noticed. It shouldn't be like that. I shouldn't have to be a prisoner of society. I should be free to do as I chose. But there are always consequences. There is no way around that. Every action has a re-action, and no matter how careful I am, they are always bad. They rip me apart. Piece by piece, until I am nothing.

Crazy Wishes

Is it crazy that every time I see you, I want nothing more than to be able to run back into your arms? I wish every time that I heard your voice, it was you asking for me back. That this was all a dream, a twisted nightmare. But that's all it is, a wish, truly wishful thinking on my part.

I know that this is how it has to be. I know that you did this only to protect us. I just wish it wouldn't have had to happen. I wish there was someway that I could rewind the past four weeks and replay them. They were perfect. Every day a surprise, every moment a gift.

I will learn. I will learn to be strong and to deal with everything. To take it all in stride. But some days it's hard. Some days I would just like the world to work out the way I want it to. Not the way that benefits everyone else. And yes, I know this is selfish, but I am very rarely in such a way. I don't get what I want with everything, I am not spoiled, but I accept that. The life I live is just fine. I have a family and amazing friends, who will always be there. I know that I am never alone in this world, and though that thought is extremely comforting. There seems to be only one thing on my wish list.

Moving out

We packed dishes today. Dishes that will one day sit in the cupboards of my own home. It's a daunting fact, but one that will ultimately come true. And though I may try and put it off for I while, it is inevitable. One day I will no longer be able to run home and throw myself into my mothers arms. I will have to learn how to deal with it myself. One night when I wake up from a nightmare, there will be no one there to make me warm milk and sing me back to sleep. I will be on my own. Independent.

Maybe a year abroad will teach me this. Maybe that is why I am planning on going all the way across the world. To grow up. To learn to think for myself, without the aid of my parents. Though I will always have them and they will never truly leave my side, it is frightening having to think about what I am going to do with my life. The bills I will have to pay, the nights I won't be able to say "I love you." as I fall asleep. I'm afraid. Nervous and anxious, and completely unprepared. And hoping for the best.

No Regrets

You were a friend. You changed my life, and you continue to change it. Though you might have changed who you are in my heart, you will always be there. I can't and won't change the fact that you were such an important part of my life, even if it was a short while. Thing's always change. People grow, and mature, they find new friends, and create new lives. But the people we know now will always be in our hearts. I will never forget anyone. Every person I have ever met has changed my life, changed me, and changed my fate. And all along, you were a part of the plan. You were a scenic drive on the highway of life (I know...cheesy, but true).

Someone once told me that if you live life with regrets then you never truly live your life. And he was very right. I regret nothing, I am happy for the time we spent together, and the time we have now. I shared so many things with you. So many things that no one else knows, that they will never know. That's the way it will stay. You will always know more about me than I know about you. Simply because I chose to be so open. Again though I regret none of it. I will never regret it.

Leaving

Every breath is like a punch to the gut. Every tear a painful reminder. I thought this would last forever, just goes to show how much I know. I though you were different. I thought you were the one who would change everything, but always remain constant. I hoped so badly you would be who I thought you were. Turns out I was wrong.

No reason. You gave me no reason why. No answer to the pleading tears in my eyes. You just ended, and I fell apart. Do you not realize how hard it was for me not to cry right there. Not to fall apart, and sink to the ground, where my heart quickly found its way. I am amazed that you didn't see the broken bleeding mess inside of me. How you didn't here it stutter and come to a stop. How you could just walk away from me, knowing how much it hurt.

And the whole time you were serious. No hint of sadness in your eyes. How is that fair? How is it fair that you can just walk away from this completely unscathed? You can walk away like nothing ever happened. Like we shared no time together, like I'm just another stranger on your way. Please don't leave me like this.

Surprise

I lay my head down. Another day gone, another morning to come. It all seems so repetitive, so God damn mundane. There needs to be a change, the sudden and overpowering flash of a light. Something bright and blinding, something to mix up the gray. Some sort of confusion, something that will change this day to day schedule.

That's where you come in. Something so new and blinding that I can't help but to be confused and surprised. Though I must say, I enjoy the feeling of never knowing what's coming next. Never knowing what's waiting around the next corner. What surprise will greet me around the bend. I'm always on the edge of my seat, poised to flee, but wanting to stay. My hands flutter uselessly by my side, ready to shield my face from the blow back. But until that moment when everything comes crashing down, I will remain here, waiting, watching, wanting. Wistful.

Fields of Flowers

Flowers slap against my bare legs. Pulling at them, ripping the soft skin. I run, faster and faster. All I need to do is get away, but why does that seem so hard. I'm here, in this moment, stuck. No matter how fast I run, no matter the direction, the effort, the energy, I never really move. Just an endless cycle, footfall after footfall. This can't be good. There is something very wrong here.

It seems that this is all I ever have to hope for. Even when I feel truly happy, someone comes along and kicks it right back out of me. How is that fair. Why can't they just let me have a little time to myself. A moment of freedom, of elation, of happiness. Sadly no. I will experience no such moment. But I will keep running, on and on. Endless. Pointless. Tiring. I simply can't keep doing this. There is no way that I can keep moving, no chance in hell that I will ever make it out of this endless field. This empty glade that keeps me captive. Driving me insane. An endless sea of waving flowers. Their petals rippling in the breeze, a breeze that never quite reaches me. Though I am tired and worn out, and could use a little comfort. There is no comfort in a place like this. No chance of escape.

Under Water

You take my hand and pull me through the water. Stretching towards the surface, struggling for breath. All I do is weigh you down, I am only dead weight on your journey. And yet you carry me along, attempting to drag me with you. Trying, hard as you may, to get my head above the surface. So I can breath once again, but I'm okay in this middle. It's a safe in between. It's raw, and perfect.


I could float here with you, can't you stay with me. Can't you hold your breath for just a while longer? But if you must go then I shall let you, but until that day comes I will remain here, floating just beneath the surface. One day I will be ready to take that stroke that will pull me above the sea, that will fill my lungs with air. And I hope on that day you will still be there. Floating. Raw. Safe. Perfect.

Dream

I can't help but to wonder what this would be like if we had never danced. Would things be the way they are now? Would you still look at me the way you do? Kiss me the way you do? Would it change us, this, everything?

We danced tonight. Around the room we flew, feet barely touching the ground, hand in hand. This is what I always dreamed of. How is it that this is happening? How is it that you choose me? Everyday I wonder and everyday you tell me not to, but how can I not, when thing's like this just don't happen to people like me. You're so amazing. So talented. So perfect. This can't be real. Any minute now I am going to feel like I'm falling and I will jerk awake and realize this was all just a dream. Every piece, every fragment, was one created by my over active imagination. If this is truly a dream, I will it to go on just a little longer.