Re-runs

Re-runs. That's what these memories feel like. Playing over and over again in my head, a constant hum of thought. A new angle every time, a new question, a new answer. Still though it seems like I have barely gotten anywhere. As if I have been climbing a mountain that never ends, I can rest but I won't ever reach the top. I will never understand what happened and I will always have my doubts. I will always wonder if there was something else that I could have done. Some way that I could have changed that moment, some way that I could have said everything that raced through my mind. Every thought that tangled with another and wrapped around the already tightly stretched nerves.

Every moment that I am not already doing something, all I do is go over everything that happened. Analyzing every detail, questioning every moment. Trying to find the place where I went wrong. Trying to find the moment that everything changed. Yet I can live with the fact that it has changed, I can wake up and know that I can make it through the day. And if I believed in God maybe I would pray that this would change, that this would all work out the way that I want it to. But I don't, I believe in fate and destiny, and I believe that everything that has happened, has happened for a reason. Though I may not yet know the reason, I accept that it will remain this way. And if it were to change, I would be happy. Finally.