In memory

I thought this would be easier by now. Not having you just paces from me, not being able to say good night and hear the lilting reply. I thought six months would help me grow, but it seems that it has only beat me down. I barely slept that night, not excited to wake up to open gifts, but instead because I dreaded knowing that you wouldn't be there in the morning. I knew that this was one holiday that would be greatly changed. One holiday that I was hoping would just end the minute it started. As I walked the dark halls I could almost hear your heavily accented voice, almost see your snow white halo of curly hair. If I closed my eyes I could just imagine the way you would smile when we opened the gifts you had set aside for us. I could see your rosy cheeks and the way you would light up as everyone thanked you.

 The world has beaten me, clawed at my skin, pulled me under the surface, and I don't know if I can keep fighting it. Everyday has been a challenge. Every smile, fake. Every laugh, hollow. Every 'I'm fine', forced. I knew it would be this way though. I knew that every moment spent without the person I loved most would be painful. Every night I say goodnight to you, every morning I say hello. Yet I will never know if they will reach you. Where ever it is you have gone. I will be there soon.

    In Loving Memory of Margaret Gaiesky