Lions and Tigers and Camping!

So it was exactly five months yesterday until my graduation. I am quite terrified, and at the same time thoroughly excited. The fact that I will have to be an actual adult in the next year is scary, all the bills and taxes and shopping. Though I must say buying my own groceries will be awesome, I can finally buy all the cereals that I love, and no one will touch my Kraft singles slices. I'm not the healthiest person out there, but I am trying to work on it. Next week, seeing as I have a spare block I will be heading to the local gym to tone.

My schedule will be changing greatly come this new semester. But I am very excited, everything will be a challenge, in a good way though. I'll be taking Biology, focusing on the Human body, and Math :( and also Outdoor E.d., which is a new class being offered. My biggest hope is that we will being doing a lot of field trips and camping expeditions. Wish me the best.

Mistaken consequences in your owner's manual

These days it seems that I open my mouth and all that comes out are mistakes. Nothing makes sense, nothing is right, and yet I can't stop talking. The hole that I'm digging myself into is getting steadily deeper, steadily darker and steadily colder. Mind you though I can handle the cold and I can bare the dark, but being so far beneath everything else is frightening. It makes me question whether or not I will ever find my way out. If I will ever be able to talk myself out of this, that's when the doubt sets in. That is the moment I realize that I may never find my way out of this, I might just be here forever.

Some days I wish that I could explain everything. That I could tell the world who I am, and that in return the world would accept me. It seems like too much to ask though, and I'm afraid to ask because of what may happen. What if it changes things I don't want it to, then again though isn't change suppose to be good. This seems like one type of change that wouldn't be good, this seems like something that would ruin not only me but those around me. Like something that would create more problems then it's worth. And at the same time I wish it wasn't so hard to figure people out. It would be so much nicer if every one came with an instruction manual, so that I didn't have to play it so carefully. It would be nice just to do something spontaneous and crazy, but I worry of the consequences, and just how bad they would be. 

Snowy Psychosis

Walking through the snow, kicking at the still falling flakes. These are how I have come to spend my days, taking out my anger on the most innocent of things. What else can I do though, what other option is there, other than kicking inatimate objects. And if you really think about it, it's always fun to kick things that can't kick you back. The fun is in the success, knowing that you have destroyed something that would never have caused you harm. And yes, I realize just how twisted that really is, but I can't seem to help myself as of late. In time it will most likely get better, until then I shall kick at will.

There seem to be so many reasons for this anger. So many little everyday things that threaten to push me over the edge. One word is said and I have an uncontrolable urge to yell. To scream until my lungs hold no air, though that my be irrational, it would feel amazing. I have never yelled at another classmate, never raised my voice or a hand. I am quite, angry, but quiet. Maybe a little too quiet. Keeping all of this bottled up probably isn't the best idea, one day it will probably be too much. Soon.

Tick tock, it's one o'clock, and you're still awake...

The hands on this clock seem to spin endlessly slower. Every minute becoming an hour, every hour a day, and no matter the strength I put into changing it, it seems irreversible. No matter how forcefully I push my hands against the walls, they loom ever closer, cutting out the daylight and making it hard to breath. And every moment that another problem arises I lose another hour of sleep, though it seems to be okay lately. It has given me time to think, perhaps too much time, but time all the same. In the end it will prove if it is helpful, or if it is the hindrance that it seems to be. It seems to be my noose these days, constricting me and holding me, making it impossible for escape. But it's alright, I would rather be in one place and be able to think than to be thrown out into the world and into the overwhelming confusion. There is too much noise out there.

Tick tock,
Tick tock,
Water splashing against a dock.
Tick tock,
Tick tock,
The smiling face is all in mock.
Tick tock,
Tick tock,
The broken ring of a broken rock.
Tick tock,
Tick tock,
Time is a broken clock.

Dreamless Consistency

Over and over again it happens. It's an endless cycle, a repetitive beginning, a faded ending. And I am getting so tired, all I want is to sleep, to sort everything out and sleep. But I can't. Every night I sit in bed, my face buried in my pillows, trying to breath, trying to relax. The muscles in my body are taut, as if I were ready to fight, as if I could win. Instead I wait, always on the verge of a dreamless world, but never quite close enough. Even with my eyes open I begin to dream, a soft scene playing in front of my unfocused vision. I can blink as many times as possible and still it is there. Never faded.

The bruises under my eyes are definite, as if they are there to remind me even more of everything going through my head, as if they are my prison sentence. I look in the mirror and see the one thing that I could fix, and at the same time it feels like I can't. It feels like if I actually slept I would miss something, something important, something that could change everything. I stay awake all night, tossing and turning. I imagine a thousand things in a thousand seconds. My mind never seeming to shut off. Always humming. Working. Constant.

Fight this disease, Fight for release

Elie Wiesel once wrote:
'In the beginning there was faith--which is childish; trust--which is vain; and illusion--which is dangerous.'

He couldn't have been more right. When we are young we have complete faith in the world around us and the goodness of others, and as we grow we learn that the world is not quite as innocent as we first assumed. We place trust in those that we don't fully know, we are vain in our willingness. We live surrounded by an illusion that everything is right in the world, and it's a dangerous notion. We assume that the first thing we see in someone is the truth, we have faith that they are safe, we trust that they are honest, and in the end we are faced with nothing but a hollow illusion. A well practiced trick that can be missed by the most observant of people.


He also wrote:
'I no longer pleaded for anything. I was no longer able to lament. On the contrary, I felt very strong. I was the accuser, God the accused. My eyes had opened and I was alone, terribly alone in a world without God, without man. With out love or mercy. I was nothing but ashes now, but I felt myself to be stronger than this Almighty to whom my life had been bound for so long. In the midst of these men assembled for prayer, I felt like an observer, a stranger.'


There is a point in every one's life where they lose faith and have to search for it. Their trust in a higher power is diminished and they are lost, and sometimes they will find renewed strength in the acceptance of divinity, and sometimes they find it within themselves. And at that moment when we find if we are a strong as our self, or whether we need a voice to guide us. That is the moment we become strangers, that is the moment we become ourselves.

And there's just no turning back, when your heart's under attack

Everyday it feels heavy, everyday it feels as if the weight of the world is pressing on my shoulders. Then again it's always been like that, it's not hard to deal with, just a little annoying. Some days I wish the I could just find a way to take it off. To cast off every shadow and lay them on the floor, leaving them behind as I walk away. Yet it won't be happening any time soon. For now I will push through it, press my ever cold hands against the walls that threaten to close around me and push with all my might.

It still feels odd to hold my own hand. I sit silently with them clasped together in my lap and I can't help but to think about what it use to be like to have someones warm hand wrapped around mine. They feel so small, so thin, so fragile. It makes me feel like a different person, like someone who has never known heartbreak. It seems that I was always just safe, having someone else beside me, someone to hold me together. And now, at the same time I prefer it. I prefer being able to stand on my own, to hold my own pieces together. I may not be good at it, but I am trying. I may not succeed, but I will try. I may be able to be fearless, I'll just keep on trying.

Sleep deprived story time

This sleep deprivation will surely be the death of me. I think I am beginning to see things, or maybe I was already this crazy, then again it is still alarming. Either way you look at it, it's not a very good situation. On one hand I will be sleep happy and laughing at everything, on the other hand I will constantly be going mental because I think I can see a snake wrapped around my ankles. I wish that tonight would be different, I wish that tonight my mind would just shut off and lulls itself to sleep. Wishful thinking? Most definitely. But what do I have to lose.

Today in my class we were asked to write three paragraphs on our past, present, and hopeful future. I wrote one. It was about what I would like to happen and the obvious facts, i.e. my name, age, and place of birth. I could find no moment in my past that would be in any way interesting or helpful. I though of everything that has happened to me in the last year, and there seemed to be very few happy moments. And the moments that seemed important were over cast with painful memories. Things that I would just rather forget. When I was asked to write about my present I could think of nothing to write that wouldn't compromise another. Every moment that seemed so good in my life ended badly. Every little inch of happiness was shrunk down until it was nothing but a minuscule spec. Everything changed. And it certainly wasn't for the better.

Brand New Insomniac Zac

1. Transient insomnia - can be caused by another disorder, by changes in the sleep environment, by the timing of sleep, severe depression, or by stress.  

I can't help but think that they leave out heartbreak, but then again maybe that's what they encompass in saying 'severe depression'. If only it were that simple, if only this would last for a short while, I doubt that. This feels like something that could go on until I am able to finally work through everything going on in my head. Maybe once I have figured out what all of this means I will be able to sleep. I will be able to close my eyes, shut out the world, and find some much needed rest. For now though, that seems an impossible goal. A point that is just out of my reach, something that I can try and fight for, but it may take every once of my strength. I am working so hard to get back to who I use to be. Fighting to find the person who could stand up to everything, take every hit and walk away. It seems that that person is gone now. That little piece of me has left, trying to find somewhere that it can safely hide until I am back on my feet. And I wish that could be soon. I wish that I could fight my way back in a matter of seconds, and now that I am really looking at it. This could take a while. This could take a life time. A life time that is already too short.

Fighting a New Year

I always assumed that I would have a thousand things to say on the first day of the new year, yet I seem to be drawing a blank. My mind is just a little bit more muddled than usual and it's taking awhile to adjust. It takes me a second every morning to remember where I am and where I am going, which seems to grow more uncertain every day. I am finding it harder and harder to plant my feet on the ground, everything seems better with my head up in the clouds. Everything seems easier to sort out when my mind is out of focus, and maybe that explains why I have been day dreaming so much lately. Tuning out everything around me and falling into a world of my own. A world where none of this has happened, a place where I have what I want and what I need.

  Some times I think I have fallen a little too far. A little too fast. And I can't seem to find my way back out, I thought I would be okay with that. I thought I would be okay with not knowing what to do. Not seeing the angry stares and knowing what they mean. At the same time though I wouldn't be able to live in ignorance. I wouldn't be able to deal with life and be completely oblivious to everything that goes on around me. Everything seems to change, one little move and I face a whole new line of enemies. Better keep fighting.