Madness of the heart

Wings beat against the rusting metal of these cage bars. A strangled cry escapes the thin beak of an even smaller bird. The finch pushes the air through it's lungs, fighting to regain control. It's clawed feet grip the side of the cage as it struggles madly, attempting to contort it's body in hopes of fitting through the brass bars. But all this effort seems hopeless. A futile attempt at freedom that is only draining energy. Non the less the finch renews its struggle against the imprisonment. An audible snap echos around the small room as she slams her small body against the confining walls. She screams in pain and falls limply to the ground, and as her eyes begin to close she watches as two thin hands reach into her jail and pull her out. As the last breath escapes her tiny body her pale eyes flicker to those of her keeper.

This is madness.

Romeo and Juliet

Romeo and Juliet.

The greatest love story in history, also one of the most tragic. It seems that more and more stories like this keep cropping up. Almost as if people find satisfaction in the twisted romance of helpless star crossed lovers. Wrong? A little. Hearts are fragile. They love too quickly and break too easily. They are willing to throw away everything just to find what they need so desperately. And though we could easily survive without love, it would be tedious. Spending every day alone, waiting. Waiting for that perfect man to show but knowing that, even when he does, you aren't going to take him. He is nothing but a distant prize, one that has little value.

  Maybe love is silly and frivolous, but it will always be a strong part of human society. Without there would be no generosity, no compassion for those who have less. There wouldn't be organization intent upon bettering the environment and people that surround us.

And I must say, even though I know how dangerous and painful love can be. It's worth it, because when you take that risk it can turn into something amazing. It can break you and it can build you up. It can hurt you and heal you. It can make you cry and it can make you smile when you know you are about to cry. It's odd and beautiful and completely unique. And it is well worth wasting time on.

Re-runs

Re-runs. That's what these memories feel like. Playing over and over again in my head, a constant hum of thought. A new angle every time, a new question, a new answer. Still though it seems like I have barely gotten anywhere. As if I have been climbing a mountain that never ends, I can rest but I won't ever reach the top. I will never understand what happened and I will always have my doubts. I will always wonder if there was something else that I could have done. Some way that I could have changed that moment, some way that I could have said everything that raced through my mind. Every thought that tangled with another and wrapped around the already tightly stretched nerves.

Every moment that I am not already doing something, all I do is go over everything that happened. Analyzing every detail, questioning every moment. Trying to find the place where I went wrong. Trying to find the moment that everything changed. Yet I can live with the fact that it has changed, I can wake up and know that I can make it through the day. And if I believed in God maybe I would pray that this would change, that this would all work out the way that I want it to. But I don't, I believe in fate and destiny, and I believe that everything that has happened, has happened for a reason. Though I may not yet know the reason, I accept that it will remain this way. And if it were to change, I would be happy. Finally.

In memory

I thought this would be easier by now. Not having you just paces from me, not being able to say good night and hear the lilting reply. I thought six months would help me grow, but it seems that it has only beat me down. I barely slept that night, not excited to wake up to open gifts, but instead because I dreaded knowing that you wouldn't be there in the morning. I knew that this was one holiday that would be greatly changed. One holiday that I was hoping would just end the minute it started. As I walked the dark halls I could almost hear your heavily accented voice, almost see your snow white halo of curly hair. If I closed my eyes I could just imagine the way you would smile when we opened the gifts you had set aside for us. I could see your rosy cheeks and the way you would light up as everyone thanked you.

 The world has beaten me, clawed at my skin, pulled me under the surface, and I don't know if I can keep fighting it. Everyday has been a challenge. Every smile, fake. Every laugh, hollow. Every 'I'm fine', forced. I knew it would be this way though. I knew that every moment spent without the person I loved most would be painful. Every night I say goodnight to you, every morning I say hello. Yet I will never know if they will reach you. Where ever it is you have gone. I will be there soon.

    In Loving Memory of Margaret Gaiesky

Christmas Friends

 My pale nose presses against the glass, my breath spreading and fading in rapid succession. The lights play against my hazel eyes, I blink away the spots. Fat flakes of white powder fall around me, catching in my dark hair, melting on the tip of my nose. It's finally time. Only two more sleeps, only one more day. I can't wait. I brush my bangs back from my face and pull my eyes away from the window display.

"Thank goodness we already bought our gifts!" She exhales loudly beside me and loops her slender arm through mine, "come on champ, let's get some hot cocoa."

I laugh and fall into stride beside her. It's just about Christmas and I have finally finished all my shopping, I figure that because I have a little time I might as well spend it with my best friend. We pace along the snow covered street until we come to a small cafe, "How about here?"

"Of course," She drawls in a heavily fake southern accent. She lets her features settle into a wide grin and throws the door open with a flourish. She grabs for my arm and pulls me in after her. We quickly find a seat in the back of the cafe and take off our snow covered coats. I pull out a chair and sit down, she quickly follows suit. We lapse into easy conversation and slowly down two hot cocoa's each. We sit there a little longer and then raise our slightly chilled bodies out of our seats and slip on our coats. She leads the way to the door and we exit one after the other. She stops just ahead of me outside the small cafe, "I guess I won't see you for a while."

"Yeah, but soon enough." I reply. I hug her to me and she hugs just as tightly back. A tear falls down my cheek as I think of how much I will miss her this year, "I love you."

"I love you too," she replies, squeezing my hand as she turns to leave," best friends?"

"Forever."

Music

They sing because they can. They sing because they love to. The words mean everything. And nothing. The words are simple, slow, naive. They are difficult, complex, human. Everything surrounds us, pounding against our ear drums. Creating a new image, playing with the words already in our minds. They confuse us, making us contemplate the lives we lead. Making us question the words we have spoken, the lyrics we have written. They follow us, covering us, lulling us into a world we were never meant to see. Pulling at us, dragging us below the surface, showing us a place we never could have found on our own. It is simply intrusion. We should not be here. This was never meant for us. This place. So peaceful, serene, the only words spoken are those of music. Music that would never harm, music that dances free and unencumbered. Unlike us. We walk this world, our shoulders bowed under the burdens we all carry. We are constantly faced with the choice between right and wrong, and very often that choice is blurred. We walk through the maze of life, taking wrong turns and finding dead ends, but eventually we get to the center. We come home because we follow the lyrics of our lives. We learn to read the music and understand the rhythm and rhyme needed to finish the song. We learn what instruments will sound best, and what notes will complete the composition. We are the composers of our own lives, of our own music. We are the ones who will create our own endless classics. First we must be willing to hear it.

Lunar Eclipse

As I sat outside, hands shoved deep in my pockets, I listened to the stark silence that surrounded me. My pale eyes flickered up to the iridescent body of the moon, watching as a thin red scarf wrapped itself around. A shiver ran up my spine as the silence was broken by the ear shattering howl of a lone wolf. Somewhere in the distance he also looked at the moon, seeing the eclipse, wondering what it meant. My mind wandered after him, crunching through the ice covered forest floor, weaving between the tall pine trees. The sound of the door opening behind me jerks me back to myself. I looked around slightly disoriented until my eyes came to rest on my dog. She looked back at me, her eyes wide, her mouth curling into a friendly smile. She trotted toward me and sat down, her small tail brushing the snow into tiny whirlwinds. And so we sat, nothing but silence between us, and we gazed at the lunar eclipse. Watching as the moon was engulfed and the stars shone ever brighter.

Love is

Love is,
Knowing that every Hello leads to something more,
Love is,
Knowing that no matter how bad the fight gets there is always forgivness,
Love is,
Knowing that no matter how difficult the times seem, you are always together,
Love is,
Knowing that no matter what words are yelled, they are silenced by two hearts,
Love is,
Knowing that no matter how much you say you hate each other, it's never really true,
Love is,
Knowing that no matter how far the distance between you, you are always right beside each other,
Love is,
Knowing that no matter how little you talk, the silence is loud,
Love is,
Knowing that no matter how embarrassed you are, you can still laugh,
Love is,
Knowing that no matter what your friends think, it only matters what you think,
Love is,
Knowing that no one is perfect,
Love is,
Kissing someone with morning breath,
Love is,
Knowing when someone is hurt before they do,
Love is,
Sweat pants and Saturday morning cartoons,
Love is,
Fighting for everything you believe in,
Love is,
Accepting everything about another,
Love is,
Knowing that no matter what obstacles you face you are ready to help each other over them,
Love is,
Knowing that every smiley face sent and received is a legitimate smile,
Love is,
Knowing that every heart sent on Valentines day is not just a cheesy gesture,
Love is,
Knowing that every tear is a reminder that you aren't invincible,
Love is,
Knowing that every boy is just a step on the way to finding a man,
Love is,
Knowing that every princess deserves a prince,
Love is,
Knowing that every morning is the beginning of a new adventure,
Love is,
Knowing that every night is only a pass over until the next day,
Love is,
Knowing that waking up alone won't be forever,
Love is,
Knowing that, even when your cooking is awful, he will still love it,
Love is,
Knowing that sometimes things don't need to be said,
Love is,
Knowing that every moment is special,
Love is,
Knowing that every kiss is an embrace,
Love is,
Knowing that every minute spent apart, is a minute closer to being together,
Love is,
Knowing that every Good-Bye leads to a Hello,
Love is,
Knowing when to let go.

Sleep World

Sleep.

Oh how it seems to evade me. Running away laughing just as my eyes begin to flutter shut. When my brain has almost shut down, I remember you. Remember one moment that I haven't already analyzed and picked apart. And it jerks me awake. Grabbing a hold of my slender arms and wrenching me out of the dream world. Mind you though I don't dream so much any more, they tend to just be nightmares. When I do dream, they are odd. Always images of you, and all of them. Fighting against me, fighting to bury me in the broken sand under our feet. I watch as their pale hands close around yours and they take you away. Leading you to the one place I know I will never get you back from.

  I try to follow. I try to push through the rough ferns and past the fallen trees. I can hear as my feet pound against the wet forest floor, but I never get any closer. The scene stretches out before me, pulling you further away. And then I come to it, the brink, the very edge of my dream world. You remain floating, out in the middle of no where, waiting for something. Something I have yet to understand. But you are there, unharmed and dazed. One day I will jump off the brink, and maybe I will catch myself, maybe I won't. I will try all the same.

You and My Walls

My hands push against walls. Walls that will always hold me, getting closer and closer, until I can't move. They surround me. White and abstract, playing ticks on my eyes. Fighting to be closer, to be the one who crushes the breathe from my lungs. All I can do is fight, and even though I know I will lose, I still fight. I push against these walls, my fingers splayed, white at the tips. I can't do this for much longer. I can't be the only one still fighting. I don't have the strength to save myself.

   When you tell me that this is all my fault, those walls inch closer. Looming over my frame, casting shadows that dance around my feet, threatening to pull them out from underneath me. You say that I am pathetic, that I need to settle down and concentrate. I am young, I need time to make mistakes, and after all, you are not that much older than I am. You are not yet an adult, though you seem to think you are. You seem to think that you can tell me what I am doing is wrong, when in fact you are doing something much worse. You still loved her, even though you said you loved me, and now you make it my fault. How in any way is that fair. At least I have been able to grow up and get over it. I don't hold anything against you, but I will not be the one to apologize. You are just as at fault as I am.

Here I am again, watching as the light fades and the darkness begins to close around me. The walls have come to a stop, if only for a while. But even they are willing to let me rest. You have left me alone through out these past months, and when I thought I needed you most you were never there. You were angry and upset, and you let that get in the way of taking the time to listen to me. To listen to what I have to say. Too little too late I guess. You are much worse than these walls. The walls that seek to end me, are willing to let me breath if not for a few hours. Maybe they enjoy this game. Enjoy the fear in my eyes, watching as I gasp for air. Maybe they are as sick and twisted as you. Maybe.

Frozen Bulletproof

Bulletproof.

I wish I could be bulletproof. Just let all these shots roll off me, listening as they drop to the floor in a metallic burst of sound. Imagine as they clink against the hard linoleum floor, the light catching their brass coats. I wish I could be bulletproof. Letting every fire coarse over my body, but never feeling the heat. Never accepting the shattering pain that will surely follow. I wish I could be bulletproof. Maybe I would last a little longer. Try a little harder. Fight a little more. Not be so willing to give up and surrender.

I do this for the ones I love. I run through the bullets because I could never bear to live without the people I know. Without my family I would be nothing. I would be utterly lost. Just an empty mind wandering through the ice encrusted branches. Watching as the stars fade and the morning sun begins to dazzle my pale eyes. Waiting for the chill of dawn to sink into my bones and hold me in a frozen embrace. Waiting to wake from this strange dream, but knowing that I never will. I am here, in this barren land, forever.

Running

I'm finally okay. I have reasoned it out with myself a thousand times, and I have come to the decision that I will be just fine. I can grow up, mature, and move on. That's what life is all about. Changing. We change everyday, it might be unnoticeable, but we do. We become adults, ready to take off and challenge the world. I think that's part of the reason I want to go so far away. I will have no chance of just running home, of being able to just turn around and come right back. I don't want that. I want to feel completely independent. On my own.

Maybe I am running. Running from all the things that have hurt me. But it's better to run and learn, than to stay and fall apart. I may be running, but I look at it as leaving. Leaving to grow. I need room to grow and I don't feel like I have that here. I feel trapped, weighed down by everything that fights against me. I will always come back though. I have roots here, family and friends that I could never leave. They have helped through life, helped me through tough times, as I have helped them. We all seem to have a mutual understanding, one that keeps us safe. And though someday we will all be far apart, we will always be in each others hearts.

For this world

Every day is a nightmare,
Every night a daydream.
I walk through this world,
Lost.

Every moment is a second lost,
I stumble through this world,
New.

Every breath is a new one,
I run through this world,
Ready.

Every time I say I'm ready,
I find out there is more.
Something I have yet to learn,
A challenge just waiting.

A fight that I must win,
A battle I must conquer.
And so I fight,
for every thing.

For the new,
and the old.
For the broken,
and the whole.
For the sad,
and the happy.
For the lost,
and the found.
For you,
and me.

Stains

I thought this would get easier. And then today showed up and I could barely function. I didn't know how to get out of bed and go some place I didn't already want to be. Maybe it will get easier, maybe this day will begin to mean nothing. How long that will take I cannot say, and if I am ready for it, I don't know. I don't know if I am ready to let go of something that changed me so completely. Something that changed the way I function. Something that made me want to be happy for myself, not just for others.

Whats the worst that I could say? What could I say that would change everything, would it be better if I stayed? If I remained here, surrounded by memories.

Every day I look in the mirror and find something I want to change. I find a flaw and try to fix it, it may take only a few seconds or it may take months, but I will fix it. I fight to destroy imperfections, because I know how everyone wants the perfect person. Is that so wrong? I feel better knowing that I may be making some one else happy. But every morning I find another stain that won't come off.

Numb

Numbness hidden within the heart,
leaves a cold and sullen mark.
Life without a life to find,
keeps you close to losing your mind.

Day in, day out, it stays the same,
losing your memories, forgetting your name.
A green leaf hangs, all holey,
like a caterpillar crawling, down and lowly.

If its body, you so touch,
fear in the darkness that seems too much.
The caterpillar crawls, on and on,
a numbing pain that's never gone.

One day maybe light will show,
and a stunning set of wings shall grow.
The darkness pushed into the light,
a butterfly with the gift of flight.

-M

My Mind

Clouded space of thought,
Always thinking, always humming,
Holder of every stained memory,
Wispy, stormy, fleeting,
Dreamer of many wonders.

They tell me you are safe and I
believe them, for I have seen your green,
green meadows under the golden sun, dancing
over the flowers.
And they tell me you are dangerous and I answer:
Yes, for I have seen the twisted and terrible storms brewing.
And they tell me you are mad and I
reply : Yes, because I have seen the split second
in which your smile turns to violent
tears.
And having answered so I turn to those who
scoff at my mind, and I scoff right back
at them and say:
Come and show me another mind that has created such flowing beauty through the
pain and through the strife.
Fighting through the raining torrents
to find the shining light that pulses
white against the darkness;

Fierce as a tiger launching at its prey, cunning
as a shark winding through the coral.
Strong,
Destructive,
Airy,
Lost,
Happy, sad, found, gone
Laughing even when the rolling thunder
threatens to break apart your world,
Bragging and laughing even when the cliffs
at the end of your vision crash and
fall into the waves below.
Laughing the strong, bubbly, livid laughter
of life, brave and unafraid, proud to be
strong, happy, lost, airy, found like a four
leaf clover in the meadow of the planet.

*This is a poem I found that I had to do in English last year, it was interesting, but difficult. It is based off a poem called 'Chicago' by Carl Sandburg.

Forever Young

I wish that I could stay young forever. I wish that I could dial the clock hands backwards and be five again. Everything was so easy then. I wasn't the one who had to fight to be heard. I didn't have to look so hard just to see who a person is. Everything seemed to make more sense when I was young. Maybe because I lived in a world all my own. A place where nothing went wrong, there was no heartbreak, no body issues. There were toys, and friends, and play dough. My tiny hands use to mold that into the most amazing shapes. Dinosaurs and galaxies seemed within my reach, all I had to do was stretch my fingers, and they would be there. Clutched in the grasp of my innocence.

Now I fight to protect that innocence. Fight to protect the child inside me. Fight to be free and heard and loved and noticed. It shouldn't be like that. I shouldn't have to be a prisoner of society. I should be free to do as I chose. But there are always consequences. There is no way around that. Every action has a re-action, and no matter how careful I am, they are always bad. They rip me apart. Piece by piece, until I am nothing.

Crazy Wishes

Is it crazy that every time I see you, I want nothing more than to be able to run back into your arms? I wish every time that I heard your voice, it was you asking for me back. That this was all a dream, a twisted nightmare. But that's all it is, a wish, truly wishful thinking on my part.

I know that this is how it has to be. I know that you did this only to protect us. I just wish it wouldn't have had to happen. I wish there was someway that I could rewind the past four weeks and replay them. They were perfect. Every day a surprise, every moment a gift.

I will learn. I will learn to be strong and to deal with everything. To take it all in stride. But some days it's hard. Some days I would just like the world to work out the way I want it to. Not the way that benefits everyone else. And yes, I know this is selfish, but I am very rarely in such a way. I don't get what I want with everything, I am not spoiled, but I accept that. The life I live is just fine. I have a family and amazing friends, who will always be there. I know that I am never alone in this world, and though that thought is extremely comforting. There seems to be only one thing on my wish list.

Moving out

We packed dishes today. Dishes that will one day sit in the cupboards of my own home. It's a daunting fact, but one that will ultimately come true. And though I may try and put it off for I while, it is inevitable. One day I will no longer be able to run home and throw myself into my mothers arms. I will have to learn how to deal with it myself. One night when I wake up from a nightmare, there will be no one there to make me warm milk and sing me back to sleep. I will be on my own. Independent.

Maybe a year abroad will teach me this. Maybe that is why I am planning on going all the way across the world. To grow up. To learn to think for myself, without the aid of my parents. Though I will always have them and they will never truly leave my side, it is frightening having to think about what I am going to do with my life. The bills I will have to pay, the nights I won't be able to say "I love you." as I fall asleep. I'm afraid. Nervous and anxious, and completely unprepared. And hoping for the best.

No Regrets

You were a friend. You changed my life, and you continue to change it. Though you might have changed who you are in my heart, you will always be there. I can't and won't change the fact that you were such an important part of my life, even if it was a short while. Thing's always change. People grow, and mature, they find new friends, and create new lives. But the people we know now will always be in our hearts. I will never forget anyone. Every person I have ever met has changed my life, changed me, and changed my fate. And all along, you were a part of the plan. You were a scenic drive on the highway of life (I know...cheesy, but true).

Someone once told me that if you live life with regrets then you never truly live your life. And he was very right. I regret nothing, I am happy for the time we spent together, and the time we have now. I shared so many things with you. So many things that no one else knows, that they will never know. That's the way it will stay. You will always know more about me than I know about you. Simply because I chose to be so open. Again though I regret none of it. I will never regret it.

Leaving

Every breath is like a punch to the gut. Every tear a painful reminder. I thought this would last forever, just goes to show how much I know. I though you were different. I thought you were the one who would change everything, but always remain constant. I hoped so badly you would be who I thought you were. Turns out I was wrong.

No reason. You gave me no reason why. No answer to the pleading tears in my eyes. You just ended, and I fell apart. Do you not realize how hard it was for me not to cry right there. Not to fall apart, and sink to the ground, where my heart quickly found its way. I am amazed that you didn't see the broken bleeding mess inside of me. How you didn't here it stutter and come to a stop. How you could just walk away from me, knowing how much it hurt.

And the whole time you were serious. No hint of sadness in your eyes. How is that fair? How is it fair that you can just walk away from this completely unscathed? You can walk away like nothing ever happened. Like we shared no time together, like I'm just another stranger on your way. Please don't leave me like this.

Surprise

I lay my head down. Another day gone, another morning to come. It all seems so repetitive, so God damn mundane. There needs to be a change, the sudden and overpowering flash of a light. Something bright and blinding, something to mix up the gray. Some sort of confusion, something that will change this day to day schedule.

That's where you come in. Something so new and blinding that I can't help but to be confused and surprised. Though I must say, I enjoy the feeling of never knowing what's coming next. Never knowing what's waiting around the next corner. What surprise will greet me around the bend. I'm always on the edge of my seat, poised to flee, but wanting to stay. My hands flutter uselessly by my side, ready to shield my face from the blow back. But until that moment when everything comes crashing down, I will remain here, waiting, watching, wanting. Wistful.

Fields of Flowers

Flowers slap against my bare legs. Pulling at them, ripping the soft skin. I run, faster and faster. All I need to do is get away, but why does that seem so hard. I'm here, in this moment, stuck. No matter how fast I run, no matter the direction, the effort, the energy, I never really move. Just an endless cycle, footfall after footfall. This can't be good. There is something very wrong here.

It seems that this is all I ever have to hope for. Even when I feel truly happy, someone comes along and kicks it right back out of me. How is that fair. Why can't they just let me have a little time to myself. A moment of freedom, of elation, of happiness. Sadly no. I will experience no such moment. But I will keep running, on and on. Endless. Pointless. Tiring. I simply can't keep doing this. There is no way that I can keep moving, no chance in hell that I will ever make it out of this endless field. This empty glade that keeps me captive. Driving me insane. An endless sea of waving flowers. Their petals rippling in the breeze, a breeze that never quite reaches me. Though I am tired and worn out, and could use a little comfort. There is no comfort in a place like this. No chance of escape.

Under Water

You take my hand and pull me through the water. Stretching towards the surface, struggling for breath. All I do is weigh you down, I am only dead weight on your journey. And yet you carry me along, attempting to drag me with you. Trying, hard as you may, to get my head above the surface. So I can breath once again, but I'm okay in this middle. It's a safe in between. It's raw, and perfect.


I could float here with you, can't you stay with me. Can't you hold your breath for just a while longer? But if you must go then I shall let you, but until that day comes I will remain here, floating just beneath the surface. One day I will be ready to take that stroke that will pull me above the sea, that will fill my lungs with air. And I hope on that day you will still be there. Floating. Raw. Safe. Perfect.

Dream

I can't help but to wonder what this would be like if we had never danced. Would things be the way they are now? Would you still look at me the way you do? Kiss me the way you do? Would it change us, this, everything?

We danced tonight. Around the room we flew, feet barely touching the ground, hand in hand. This is what I always dreamed of. How is it that this is happening? How is it that you choose me? Everyday I wonder and everyday you tell me not to, but how can I not, when thing's like this just don't happen to people like me. You're so amazing. So talented. So perfect. This can't be real. Any minute now I am going to feel like I'm falling and I will jerk awake and realize this was all just a dream. Every piece, every fragment, was one created by my over active imagination. If this is truly a dream, I will it to go on just a little longer.

Christmas

I watch his body move, weaving past the other people, his hand wrapped firmly around mine.

"Where are we going?" I question. But he just keeps walking forwards, towing me along. We've been at this for a solid twenty minutes. Winding our bodies through the ever growing crowd of evening shoppers. And then he stops. Jerking me to a halt beside him, he raises his hand and points to the display case resting in front of us. The florescent white lights attack my eyes, obscuring my vision with a thousand colorful spots. I squint my eyes and try to see what he is so intent on showing me. As my eyes adjust, I spot a small bird. A finch to be exact. Innately carved from a piece of crystal. It's amazing.

"For you." He says, pulling me close and kissing me. And all I can do is stare at him. Watch as his lips curl into his crooked smile, and his eyes shine with excitement. And I can't help but to be absorbed by his charm and optimism. It's Christmas after all.

Watching

I watch as his feet pound the ground, pushing him further. The muscles in his legs contracting and stretching. He's oblivious to my scrutiny, focused intently on the game. At that moment he turns to look at me, catching the wonder in my eyes before I can hide it. But he doesn't ask, he turns his gaze back to the playing field and immerses himself once more. I'm glad he doesn't ask. There would be too many reasons. No way to describe why I am so completely and utterly absorbed.

Now he's watching me. His eyes following my body as I move. What does he see. The slight limp, the awkward stance, the effort not to trip. And yet I don't believe he would ever say anything. Just that look.

Friends

Dancing. Moving to the beat, swaying, turning, rhythmic sequences. You're hand against my back, pushing me and pulling me, teaching me the movements. Is it really what made you first notice me. Is it what pulled your eyes away from all the others and focused their pale hazel gaze on me. Is it what made you want to press your lips to mine.

It amazes me that something I am so passionate about, drew you to me. It caused you to pause and consider me. To wonder who I really was. I'm not the person everyone makes me out to be. They all seem to have an opinion of me, but if they knew me, would they be so rash to judge. Would they actually assume the outlandish things that they do now. Let them talk. I know the people who know me. I have people that will always be there, and they will always understand. They are neither rash nor ignorant. They are amazing, and darling you are perfect.

Hands

Smooth hands. Pressed together. Pushing against each other. Wrapped around small hands. Small hands wrapped around big hands. Your big hands wrapped around my small hands. Yours smooth, mine rough. Yours talented, musical, agile. Mine thin, and frail. But yet they fit together so perfectly. As if the spaces between my fingers were made to be filled with yours. And now we walk, hand in hand, past everything that watches us. Watching. Waiting. Wanting. Wanting to tear us apart. Waiting to see us stumble and fall. Watching us as we walk past, clear and free.

Rough hands. Pressed together. Pushing against one another. Wrapped around big hands. Big hands wrapped around small hands. My small hands wrapped around your big hands. Mine rough, yours smooth. Yours are strong, mine weak, but together we hold the world.

You are changing me

You had your arms wrapped around me, my head against your chest. I can hear your heart beat. Steady and strong. Can you hear mine, the rapid thrumming of excitement that consumes me. Every moment seems to change everything. Your thumb brushes my hand and my mind goes blank, my senses are lost and I see only you. I see your eyes, clear and bright, gazing at me, finding something. Are you finding the emotion written so carefully on my face. The emotion that I have never felt before. It's all so new, so special, so fragile. And you. You're so new. You change everything. Every moment, every thought, every action. You stand there and watch the conflict in my eyes.

You have changed all my plans. I don't know where to go any more. Should I stay and let you leave, let you go and never forget you. Or should I be the one to find you and have you by my side. Never having to remember, because you'll always be there to keep me from forgetting. I won't forget you. No matter the distant. No matter the hours you have been gone. No matter what you do, you will always have a part of my heart.

Trip

We have surely been here before. Standing this way, swaying to the beat. You leading me, me following you, as best I can. Your steps are quick and precise, mine slow and off beat. But you smile all the same, you tell me I am the one who is good at this. When we both know it's you. I know that you are the expert, the one who can move without thinking. Your feet perfectly in time, your movements quick and nimble, your body graceful and beautiful.

What do I look like next to you. Do I seem regular in comparison. Am I awkward and out of place at your side, with your arm curled around me. If only we could be more in balance, we could stand side by side and seem similar. But you will always out shine, though I must say, I hope you always do. I don't want to be the one to destroy your beauty. I don't want to be the one who causes you to lose you grace, and fall. I want to be the one who stands beside you, my hand in yours, waiting to catch you if you should trip.

Perfect

He stands in front of me. Tall, strong, perfect. His arms are open, waiting and warm. His eyes are on my face, studying me. I fold myself into him, pressing my hand against his chest, feeling the steady beat of his strong heart. Within myself, I can hear the frantic pounding of my own. Jumping against my ribs. I'm nervous, but it feels like we have done this a thousand times. Like we have stood, hearts together, a thousand times, under a thousand starry nights.

He pulls me closer and leans toward me. His warms lips are pressed to mine, his sweet smell surrounding me, holding my close. We are here. In this moment. Alone. Yet together at the same time. Like the moon and it's orbit on earth. We are around each other, no effort, no practice, just perfection. And we stand there, broken and whole, frozen and warm, happy and finding happiness. He is my happiness, my warmness, my completeness. Perfect.

Threats

Threats. Pain, both mental and physical. You think they will hurt me, but you seem to be mislead. You think that I will break, but I won't. I know who I am, and I know who you are, and you are not a threat. But you're empty. You have nothing standing behind you. No sense of purpose, no direction, no true intention. Yet you blame this on me. You blame me for hurting you, and I know I did, but I never intended to. And I will not let you change me. I am with him. He is with me. I'm sorry if that hurts, but I will not change how I feel. And I am more unwilling to change how he feels. I will not turn my back on the one perfect thing in my life, just to make you like me.

True friends are those who know the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you, word for word, when you have forgotten.
-A.S.

Dance

This seems too good to be true. Is it so wrong to be waiting for everything to change. Waiting to be tripped. Waiting for all this to end. I don't ever want to have to face that. I want this the way it is. Fragile and perfect. The way it always starts, is what we will always be. Never changing, watching the seasons change around us. White. Pink. Golden. Bloody. We will watch as the world grows, changing, learning, deceiving. But we shall remain the same. Two bodies brought together by something bigger than both.

Something different awaits us. Some new day is waiting on the edge of the horizon. Blond rays stretching across this small valley, warming, comforting, safe. Stretch out your nimble fingers, watch as the sun dances across them. Catching your beauty and throwing it across me. Set them to the keys and play a song that we can dance to. And we will dance.

Being here

This is so strange,
eyes open on a barren range.

This is so new,
my being here with you.

This is so queer,
the way everything is clear.

This is so new,
my being here with you.

This is so amazing,
my eyes, the stars, are dazing.

This is so new,
my being here with you.

New

I like this new. I don't want the old again. I want everything to stay the way it is. Just perfect. You beside me, and me beside you. I like this new, this feeling of falling, but knowing that someone is there to catch me. It's different. But I like it all the same.

I never thought this would happen. I never thought I would be the girl you choose. This is all so different for me. I never have luck like this. Maybe that's all it is. Luck. But I'm quite all right with that fact. I would rather it be a lucky chance, than an utter disaster any day.

Something special

Something special is what we are,
something new that will take us far.

Something amazing is your name,
a brand new player in an aged game.

Something brilliant is that smile,
that makes me willing to walk a mile.

Something Gorgeous is your beauty,
that keeps me gazing, all be it mutely.

Something special is what you are,
something new will take us far.

We're changing

His hand stretches closer, curling around mine, warming the cool, pale skin of my thin fingers. My body instinctively learns toward his, cutting the distance between us in half. He closes the distance, pressing his warm lips against mine, his sweet breath mingling with my own. There is no resistance between us, nothing to hold us back, nothing to stop us.

It wasn't always this way. There was a time when he was just another body, nothing of importance. Everything seems to have changed since those days. We don't have to be as careful.Hiding what should be known to the world. It was safer to hide though, better to protect each other from the world. We kept each other safe, while every one walked around us, past us, suspecting nothing. Then again there was nothing for them to see, we were so careful. Considering every move before it was made, every step was met with judgment and hindrance. And now everything is different. There is no need to tip toe through a room, no need to talk in hushed voices. We are free. Free to be who we are, both together and alone.

The end of forever

This is dangerous. This feeling that consumes me. It so unbelievably dangerous. But I just can't seem to get enough of it. It's addictive. A substance that I don't want to lose. A substance that has taken root in my mind, and has snaked through the channels of my brain. I would die without it. Every nerve would lose it's sense. No smell. No taste. No touch. Nothing. Just a solid, black, emptiness.

An emptiness that I used to fear. That meant only pain and numbness, only despair and anguish. Has it changed? Has it become something that could save me. A safety net for when I fall from this high. When I finally lose the steady ground and plummet to an almost certain end. Will it be the one that I can still trust when all this is over. Because I know there will be an end. There is always an end, nothing can last forever. Because even forever has an end.

No heaven

Stumbling, tripping, falling, running on. Over and over again, an endless cycle of monotony. Sun in my eyes, feet off the ground, this is all it seems to be. Lost and disorientated. Everything seems more confusing than it needs to be. Why not just those simple words. Just a quick answer is all I need. Some reassurance that I'm not completely drowning in this. Some sense of balance as the waves crash over my head, thunderous and rough against the scarlet of my hair. Pushing me farther away from the shore, farther from safety, farther from him.

Can he see me struggling to breath. Fighting against the raw edges of lungs to keep life within myself. Where do I go if this ends. There is no heaven and no hell. No one out there who would pull me from beneath the sea and breath life back into my cold body. He could be that one. The one to entwine our fingers and enchant me. The one to dance with me, into the night, under the stars. If only...

Tripping

What is it? That stuttering inside of my chest. The uneven pounding of something caged within my ribs. It's an odd sort of feeling. Almost like tripping. That moment where you realize that you are falling and there isn't anything you can do to catch yourself. You just have to let go and accept the consequences. How ever agonizing and raw it is, it's meant to be held. So I will reach my arms out and embrace this frail new reality. This truth that has changed everything within my own life. The way I use to function has become only a hum in the buzz of every day chaos. A distant memory that fades faster and faster with the approaching day.

This has to be a good thing though. Or maybe it's something more awful than I could ever imagine, something that will destroy me completely. No chance of escape, no surrender, no freedom. But maybe that's the change I need, a constant. Something that keeps me still, holds me in one place. Something that grounds me, pulling me back towards earth when my head gets to high in the clouds, searching for a lie.

It's Fair

This is so fragile. Everyday is a new experience, a new fascination, a new adventure. And oddly enough I can't wait. I'm not used to this. I don't know what I should be doing. Are we in the same boat? Is this what every thing has come down to? Me on the edge of everything, unbalanced and nervous, you safely tucked away in the arms of reality.

It's fair in the end. Too bad.

This will grow stronger. Blossom from the bud, to a rose. Full of beauty, mystery, and magic. Magic is what this could need. A little nudge here and there to keep everything balanced. Even. Fair.

Safe

It's all fun and games and until you break a heart. When you have successfully crushed the one thing that gets everyone through their day, that is when you have reached rock bottom. But it seems that you can take my heart, wring it out like a dirty rag, throw it to the ground, and still I feel an overwhelming need to stand by your side and protect you from the big bad world.

Friends though is all we are these days, but to tell the truth it is honestly better this way. Friends is easier in the end. We can talk about everything, no need for secrets because they won't break our hearts anymore. They are simply facts these days. No need to lie. No room for attempting to protect ourselves from the other. We are already so raw there is nothing left to hide. No secrets that would hurt us, no truths that would harm us, no tales that would find us torn apart once again. It's safer this way. No broken hearts, no tears, no gaping holes that keep our lungs from drawing frigid air. Safe. What I wanted all along. Too bad it took 12 years to get there.

Maybe Beautiful

The pale rays of the afternoon sun glint off the stunning white of his smile. My breath catches in my lungs, and my palms begin to sweat. How can this be happening? This doesn't happen to me, this never happens to me. I must be dreaming. There is no plausible reason for this angel to be talking to me. The slight lilt of his voice pulling me closer to him, inhaling the scent of his worn jacket. It's too much, too sudden, too real. I can't deal with something like this, this happiness...it's reaching for me and dragging me in, deeper than I ever planned to go. But there is no backing out now. No way that I could forget the grace of his walk or the agility of his thin body. No way out. And I'm quite all right with that.

He questions me. Studying my face. What is he looking for? What does he see in the depth of my hazel eyes? Can he see the secrets I try so hard to protect, the insecurity that rules my days? What does he see in the lines etched across my young face. The lines of worry, of fright, of sadness. Does he know what they mean? Does he understand how much I have been through, and what a miracle it is that I am still trying so hard to survive?

Maybe one day he will know. He will understand why it is so hard for me to trust. So difficult to be willing to fall and not know if anyone will catch me. Maybe one day he will be the one to catch me.

My heart is in your hand.

Heart in Hand,
you stand.
Mouth set to Talk,
you walk.
Soul on Sleeve,
you leave.

Hand on heart,
you leave your mark.
Talk set to lip,
my strings you snip.
Sleeve over soul,
you've reached your goal.

I love you Dear

We use to be so close to each other. We use to walk arm in arm like nothing in the world could stop us, but my dear, I think something has. Some unknown force has pulled at our very core, stretching us and straining us in different directions. Tugging on the fabric of our kinship until it became tattered. Too frail to survive. Maybe with time we will find each other again, we will be in unison once again. Maybe one day we will dance again, free spirits intertwined.

I wish you hadn't listened to them. To those vultures so intent on ruining everything. All they seem to do is circle above me, waiting for the moment I trip and I can't pull myself up. And that is why I need you dear, I need you to stand by my side and help me up. If they hadn't gotten to you, you would still be mine. I would still be a part of your heart, just like you are such a big part of mine. I need a reason to show you how much you're worth, a sign that you would listen to me. But it seems such things elude me. Peeking from the shadows, never close enough to touch, always too close to stand. Believe me dear, I would pull you from those shadows and we would walk together. The way we use to, they way we should. Please dear, tell me that you will be mine once again. For without you, I find no point in loving.

Singing with no words.

Yet another day spent drowning in the monotone colors of life. Where is the vibrancy, the brush strokes that color our cheeks. Why can't they be painted on the clothes of such a sad day. Just because it's formal day, doesn't mean that you can't still have a little color. I know black pants look good, even I wore them, but at least I also wore a plum purple shirt. The only thing I was worried about was the fact that it might clash with my rocket red hair, but thank goodness, it didn't. It looked quite good actually.

People these days seem afraid to wear colors, and they shouldn't be. A nice color can be what makes that manic Monday outfit, just have to give it a chance. Try a little variety. I must admit that I worry about what people will think of what I am wearing, but then I remember that I enjoy it, does it really matter what others think. They aren't you, and if they judge you so harshly without knowing you, can they really be worth your time. They certainly aren't worth mine.

So what I'm trying to get at is, wear a little color every now and again. It really won't hurt. Just find a color that works with your skin tone, body, and hair color, and everything should be just fine. Be the brush, paint yourself in your own image, not what others see.


-- M. Gaiesky